I want to be the voice that makes a loved one present at their goodbye

I want that person to sound real to you because I have listened to you talk about them. I want everything about that day to be a reflection of what you want and need for a goodbye.

• I gather information and stories about the person who is being remembered. This usually means coming to visit the closest relatives (and anyone they wish to include) and asking for details.

• I use this information to write about the person’s life and experiences and deliver this as a speech at the funeral.

• I work with the family and the chosen Funeral Director to decide on other parts of the ceremony that they wish to include: other speakers or readings, poems, songs and music.

• Together, we make decisions about the order of events on the day.

There is no blueprint for remembrance

In these modern times, people look for more variety and personalisation in their expressions of grief and also in the ways that they celebrate the life of a loved one. Although most people opt to have a cremation or burial ceremony, that often doesn’t feel like quite enough. There are many way to personalise this ceremony itself and, in co-ordination with your chosen Funeral Director, you can introduce variety. You could think about:

• What you wear and what your loved one wears

• What the coffin looks like and how it is carried or displayed

• What type of music is used

• What kinds of flowers are chosen

• How you can include younger family members in the ceremony – through letters or tributes

• The inclusion of charity donations.

There are no ‘right ways’ to say goodbye

Grief doesn’t end when the funeral does. Sometimes it doesn’t really start properly until that celebration of a life is over. Your acts of remembrance don’t have to end there either.

Together, we might create further ceremony through:

• having a follow-up event where a wider variety of people can share their stories in a relaxed or significant venue (a crematorium ceremony is usually 25 minutes in length)

• memorialising the interment of ashes

• Creating a living tribute with trees and your loved one’s ashes

• Having a firework made with their ashes inside and sending them off with a bang

• Releasing balloon wishes, sailing memory boats or scattering seeded paper shapes to grow wild-flowers

• Or celebrate their memory in another way that has meaning for you.

I would really love to be part of things before the end. Some people have talked to their loved ones about how they want to make their exit. And some people feel that that is a conversation too far, that it makes the grief real before its time. Maybe I can be there to have that awkward conversation. To gather stories. To pick a song. To choose an outfit. What a privilege that would be.